Acquired Posting

In Which I Give The Fire Joe Morgan Treatment To A Homeland Recap

I’m like most people. I like sports and I like pop culture. I keep up-to-date with both to what is probably a shameful degree. This is to say that I watch Homeland, the new Showtime series about fighting terrorism, coming home in the Jon Voightian sense of the phrase, deception, Mandy Patinkin’s beard, and mental illness. So does Bill Simmons.

As much as I have criticized the site over Twitter, GChat, and Tumblr, Grantland has a lot of worthwhile things going for it. That is to say I check it a few times a day and cherry-pick which things look interesting, to read which things have been passed around a lot, and yes, to make fun of certain things. Digressions, I have a few!

These last two paragraphs collided like a forced simile on Monday (and again on Tuesday) when I saw the headline “Homeland Recap” carrying the EIC’s byline. Unimaginative headline aside, I think Simmons can be right about things in regards to pop culture (putting it lightly, we share an affinity for the film Point Break), and so I decided to read his recap of the newest—and pretty great—episode of Homeland. And, ugh, let’s just get going already.

(You know the drill: he’s in bold, etc)

After clicking on the link, we’re taken to Hollywood Prospectus, which, whatever. This is a blog post. Fine. The whole site is blog posts, but whatever. O’er on HP, there’s a new headline:

Bill Simmons Recaps Last Night’s Homeland

This is a motherfucking event. This isn’t the Andy Greenwald recapping an episode of Homeland. No. This is a two-time New York Times bestselling author, a Sports Guy recapping an episode of Homeland. Is your mind blown yet?

Andy Greenwald normally recaps Homeland every Monday in this space, but he’s taking a long-overdue vacation this week.

“Long-overdue?” I’m pretty sure this revolutionendeavor kicked off in June. What sort of start-up gives one of its supposedly more important staffers a vacation after five months? Is this code for Andy getting fired?

I nominated myself to take his place because it’s my favorite TV show, because it seemed like an editor-in-chief-y thing to do

Pitching in blog posts for the entertainment blog portion of your vanity project is what you think qualifies as “an editor-in-chief-y thing to do?” OK then.

and also because I was hoping the Brodys would throw another crazy party and wanted to be typing jokes as it happened.

OK. Not sure why you want to be typing jokes while this is happening, it’s a pretty serious TV show. You should be watching the show carefully and taking notes.

A quick recap of Homeland if you’ve never seen it

Wait. No. If someone is reading a recap of Homeland, they are probably very familiar with it. You can’t possibly be that much of draw that this is necessary. Like, no one is saying “Oh, man, Simmons is talking about the eighth episode of the first season of Homeland? Let me torrent episodes one through seven before I read this. This is essential.” If that was the case this wouldn’t be tucked away on Hollywood Prospectus and destined to never appear on your your “Columns” list which you can get to by clicking any iteration of your name that appears on the front page.

But, fine, I’ll indulge.

Brody spent eight years in Afghanistan as a POW and may have been turned by Al Qaeda

See? Serious. Capital-S Serious.

Mrs. Brody was banging his best friend (Mike) right up until Brody miraculously came home, and to be honest, he’s probably a better catch than Brody, who has sex with her by either pseudo-raping her or making her sit there topless while he beats off on her.

Whoa. So so far this all sounds very serious. Why the jokes thing again?

Also: “beats off?”

Fierman (Maybe): “Hey, uh, maybe nix the beats…”

Simmons: STET ALL CHANGES

Brody’s pissed-off, pot-smoking 16-year-old daughter is going to start sleeping with her entire high school and possibly the entire NBA soon to get back at her parents

The familial drama, and especially the love-triangle, is by far the weakest part of the show so far. But I am really glad that you’re treating the young woman’s state of mind so delicately. Surely, as a product of divorce, you understand even better than this fictional character how tough these situations can be. Maybe you’re learning?

Claire Danes plays the super-loony CIA agent who convinced herself that Brody turned, spied on him for a few weeks with cameras that were planted inside his house, became attracted to him, got drunk with him and banged him in her car, only it’s unclear whether she inappropriately went undercover or actually likes him (or maybe both), and by the way, did I mention she is batshit CRAZY?

WHOA. This is all very, very serious. Should we be taking it this lightly? Also, the character of Carrie has been remarkably put together for someone who is evidently suffering from mental illness (like her father, played by the great James Rebhorn earlier in the season; hope he comes back, right Justin Power?). Yes, she blew up on Mandy Patinkin’s Saul that one time, but that blowup really just looked bad because the audience knows his wife juuuust announced her decision to move back to India.

Mandy Patinkin plays Saul, the grizzled CIA agent (Claire’s boss) who kinda sorta failed a lie detector test last week and may have slipped a razor blade to Brody’s captured former guard/torturer so the guy would kill himself, or, it’s a total misunderstanding and he’s a really nice guy

Yeah, that’s probably a red herring. He seems like a pro’s pro, as far as fictional intelligence officers go. He was probably just upset about the wife stuff. Women, right?

I don’t know the name of Claire and Saul’s boss, but he might be up to stuff too

The character is named David Estes. His full name has been said numerous times through the first seven episodes, but he is usually just referred to as Estes. His last name. You can relate, I’m sure. His real name is David Harewood. In case you were wondering. I think he’s British.

more important, Dennis Haysbert DEFINITELY turned down that part at the last possible second

Huh. I can see why you would think that. Both have DH initials. They are both black men, who sort of look similar. But Haysbert is from California, not the UK. Also, he’s done a lot of those spy-type shows before, so maybe he didn’t want to do another one? Maybe he wants to do different things like earlier in his career?

In Simmons’s defense, the creative team behind Homeland did work on 24, so benefit of the doubt, but an all-caps “definitely” is probably a little much, and the rest of that clause, frankly, shows a lot of disrespect for Mr. Harewood.

a terrorist couple renting a suspicious house right near the airport were sniffed out and went on the lam, with the Arab-looking boyfriend eventually getting killed Tony Montana-style by somebody (almost definitely Al Qaeda) and the American-looking girlfriend (she kinda looks like a young Meryl Streep) escaping through a window.

Again, “almost definitely” is something you want to stay away from. There are a lot of twists and turns on these shows.

Also, Marin Ireland has way more of a “young Laura Linney” thing going on. You’re probably thinking of Jennifer Ehle. She was really good in Contagion. I think there was an Oscarmetrics about it.

Got it? It’s a fantastic show, you have to believe me.

I don’t have to do anything, guy. You have to convince me that it’s a show worth watching, and what I am expecting is some tawdry pay-cable shit about former-POWs ejaculating sadly on the woman from the commercials for the V reboot.

Here’s a running diary of Episode 7

What? This wasn’t part of the deal! Recap was used several times in the lead up to this. Wait. This is why you wanted to be able to type jokes. You son of a bitch. Whatever, there’s only [scrolls] 3,000 MORE WORDS? You summarized seven episodes and explained why the normal recapper is not here in less than 500. This is not how things are supposed to work.

0:00: I’m not a fan of Homeland’s opening credits. In general, we’re in a weird era for opening credits — they’ve gotten too ambitious and there’s too much going on, as personified by American Horror Story (a show with opening credits so excruciating they actually make you stop watching). Whatever happened to the days of ER and The Sopranos? Just tell me who’s on the show, give me a cool song and don’t make me go blind.

The credits for AHS are what makes you want to stop watching? But you’re missing the camp. Glorious, schlocky camp.

And after reading through the rest of that old person’s complaint, we are not reminded of Mad Men’s, Breaking Bad’s, or any of the other shows out now that have interesting opening credits, nor do we know a thing about the opening credits to Homeland (if you’ve seen them, what’s your theory? Louie Armstrong is going to be the one behind it all, right?). Top notch recapping.

0:02: We see Aileen (the terrorist on the lam) buying a bus ticket in Beaumont, Texas. She’s headed to Mexico. There’s like a 45 percent chance that the Duke and Jack Walsh were at this same bus station 21 years ago. (Obligatory Midnight Run joke to win over Alan Sepinwall so he doesn’t get threatened that I did a TV recap.)

Somehow, I think Alan is going to be OK. Plus, let’s not forget: this is a liveblog.

[Stuff about Claire Danes’s character being crazy and being afraid the episode will devolve into sobbing fits of masturbation near her]

Sure, sure. Totally normal recap stuff. But they’re off to a bar! To drink! And play billiards! Not pool! Billiards!

now she’s throwing down beers and beating Brody in pool. Reminds me of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen winning over an off-the-wagon Dylan McKay (and also, me) waaaaaaay back in the day.

She has been drinking tequila. There’s a line about it and everything. We wouldn’t have time to get details right when we can compare this to 90210. But there’s no time for that. It’s time to talk about women who can hold their liquor and beat you at pool. Nation’s young men, take heed:

run TOWARDS them, just don’t fall in love or anything. Watch out. The “Don’t Fall in Love” hierarchy looks like this …

LEVEL ONE: Porn Star
LEVEL TWO: Stripper
LEVEL THREE: NBA Team Dancer
LEVEL FOUR: Great at Playing Pool While Drunk in a Dive Bar
LEVEL FIVE: “Last Name Is Kardashian”

LEVEL SIX: Aceman’s leftovers.

LEVEL SEVEN: J-Bug’s sister. I know she’s hot, bro, but you can’t. It’s J-Bug.

LEVEL EIGHT: @SarahKSilvermanFemale comedien, excluding Whitney Cummings because she is hillllllarious.

Enough japery! Carrie gets hit on by an Aryan Nation fan and after things get heated, and Brody roughs the neo-Nazi up, the two make a getaway to Carrie’s remote, wooded-area cabin.

[Stuff about the familial drama, including the daughter’s attitude towards the incredibly weird situation described as “hormonal.”]

This is pretty light misogyny, you know, given that other stuff.

0:08: Saul and Haysbert find out about Aileen the Terrorist heading to Mexico. Programming note: I’m calling that character “Haysbert” because it pisses me off that Dennis Haysbert isn’t playing that character. I love Dennis Haysbert, I miss Dennis Haysbert … other guy, you’re no Dennis Haysbert.

That’s because it’s impossible to be David Harewood and Dennis Haysbert. Just give David Harewood a chance, Bill Simmons. Also, that was 12 words for plot summary and however-many-words for complaining that the guy from the fucking Allstate commercials isn’t the 4th male lead.

[Blah blah blah, Claire doesn’t have enough meds for the whole weekend! All bets are off! I hope she gets fucked by a bear! Claire Danes once stole Billy Crudup from Mary-Louise Parker! And now they’re both on Showtime shows! Isn’t that weird?! I am a Hollywood insider! I can hyperlink to People.com, I am the Internet. Oooh, relatively chaste pay-cable sex scene!]

I may have paraphrased that part.

0:15: Aileen the Terrorist gets arrested by Saul and the Mexican police. Now he’s driving her back to the States, and if you don’t think Mandy Patinkin is going to use these long car scenes to break her down while simultaneously gunning for an Emmy, you obviously don’t known Mandy Patinkin well enough.

0:17: Saul to Aileen: “I’m looking forward to the drive. We’ve had some upheaval at home. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet.” Nah, I don’t think that’s the Emmy clip. We can do better, Mandy.

0:21: Saul tries to break down Aileen while holding an Emmy committee member at gunpoint. He’s doing everything but wearing a “Patankin for 2012 Emmys” T-shirt. Finally, she speaks: “You don’t know me,” she says. This will take time. Mandy seems relieved; he needs more time to win the committee over.

Calm down, it’s only Mandy Patinkin. Just relax, we’ve got a lot of episode left. Don’t blow your load or you’ll forget to write about a character beating off terrorists or whatever.

I’m on edge with every Claire scene. She needs her crazy pills. I mean, she was crazy WITHOUT the pills.

You mean “WITH” right there, @AllCapsGuy33. Better point: that’s not really how medication works! It would take a longer period of time for the drugs to completely leave her system so again, just relax. Maybe do some breathing exercises.

This part of the episode is really good: Carrie and Brody go into the woods to hike towards a waterfall, and maybe try romancing each other while sober. They have a Real Conversation about their experiences in the war zones, why they’re damaged, and how they are actually feeling peace and normal when they spend time together, unlike the rest of their awful, fractured lives. What you gotta say about that, Simmons? Pretty heavy stuff, huh?

(Important note to the college kids and twentysomethings out there: Anytime a girl admits to you that it’s rare for her to find peace, just start running. Don’t even let her finish the sentence.)

Great advice! If you’ve slept with someone multiple times and then later find out in conversation that you have things in common, and even might both being going through some shit? Get the fuck out of Dodge ASAP, broham. There is probably a kegger or an episode of Cheers that needs attending to. WWMD, bro? What Would McHale Do?

I really wish Simmons wrote a dating column. Why is he so dead-set on offering relationship advice to young people? Isn’t he happily married? What did you do when you were younger that you think is such a huge mistake?

[Stuff about the daughter, a Courtney Stodden reference, fears about his own daughter]

[similes uncomfortably, chuckles] Yeah. Women sure are something, Bill.

0:28: Diner scene with Saul and Aileen. He’s still breaking her down, she’s still giving him the cold shoulder. (Of course, even by not talking to him, she likes him more than his wife does — she just fled to India to get away from him.) Saul tries to play the “Your Dad is worried about you” card. “He’s worried about what their friends will think,” she hisses.

I’d say it was more of a scoff, but tomato-towhateveryoucantomakewomenlookbad.

Now it’s all making sense — she was a rich girl living in the Middle East who didn’t get enough attention, started “cavorting with a local brown boy” (her words), got the wrong kind of attention from Daddy for doing so, and somehow, the whole thing spiraled and now she’s renting houses near airports so that Al Qaeda can shoot down planes. The lesson from Homeland, as always: Things can go REALLY wrong if you have a daughter. I feel sick.

Ditto. Why did you capitalize “daddy” like that? It sounds so unseemly.

[Some more family drama stuff that isn’t as exciting as the interrogations going on in the A- and B-plots (sick TV recapper lingo alert!) until Brody’s friend is confronted by the teenage daughter who is processing a lot of things right now.] “there are definitely some in-the-episode parallels between Aileen the Terrorist Once Upon a Time and Brody’s Daughter Now, but I don’t want to get too artsy-fartsy on you.”

No! You should be getting artsy-fartsy on me! That’s the point of a TV recap—and the supposed point of the site. TV recaps are supposed to be plot-minimal and theme-heavy. Have you never read a TV recap before? Of course not, because you think that they are liveblogs. (TV recaps are not liveblogs.)

And “Terrorist Once Upon A Time?” “Once Upon a Time”=something you can say about someone who is still a terrorist because they were also previously a terrorist? Plus, you’re getting ahead of yourself.

[Brody and Carrie circle each other like sober, awkward teens]

But they have another moment. They’re really close to abandoning whatever it is they were trying to do while cooking dinner together, whatever they gained during the hike, and getting loaded and having sex again. But then they have ANOTHER moment and you wonder if maybe this is all real, and Carrie and Brody have both completely let their respective guards down, and maybe this isn’t just a risky scheme by Carrie since she’s always a spy.

Or, as Simmons puts it:

0:33: Time for a fireplace sex scene. It’s intimate and stuff…

Goddamnit.

There’s some touching and kissing, followed by some lovemaking [and blah blah blah why won’t Claire Danes get naked?!]

[one of those sighs that represents disappointment, you know, like how a your old lady would sound if you crapped out at the Bellagio at 5 in the morning with Hench and a SportsNation producer]

0:35: Brody has a nightmare, wakes up and Claire is right there. She’s making all the right moves thanks to a month of video surveillance. Here’s where a sarcastic Patriots hater would make an “A little like the Patriots back when Belichick taped everyone’s signals!” joke. How dare you.

(That reminds me … HERE COME THE PATRIOTS!)

Oh, come on, man.

[Mandy wins his interrogation, Carrie slips up by revealing the name of Brody’s preferred brand of tea, things are beginning to go poorly]

BUT

In her defense, it is Day Two of No Crazy Pills. It’s amazing she isn’t cutting eyes out of magazines and taping them to the wall like Drew Barrymore in Mad Love right now. And yes, I was totally attracted to Drew Barrymore in Mad Love, too.

God, I would hate to be you because—though there would be piles of money—I would have also been satisfied with that. Can you even hear yourself? Those geniuses in Hollyweird need to do an update of Liar Liar or, like, True Believer that is based on you. But fairy tales are for hormonal girls. Harf, harf.

0:43: Saul calls Shoulda Been Haysbert

The fact that this construction about the actor who plays David Estes (David Harewood) is still going on like a Level 6 Stomach Punch.

“Shoulda Been Haysbert” is already “X city/team/player is cursed.”

But! A sniper was on the roof of Aileen’s house we’ve learned! And there’s a clear line of sight to where the type of helicopter Nixon escaped on usually lands. Master plan revealed? Master plan revealed! And Aileen is working with a sketch artist! Is it Brody?!

Back at the cabin, Brody and Carrie have it out.

Claire thinks about going to get her gun. Brody gives her the old “You looking for this?” and shows her the gun. I love that move. Is there a better bad-guy move than “You looking for this?”

I am shocked—shocked—how easy it is to make quick Casablanca references while pretending to be shocked about Bill Simmons “lov[ing]” a gigantic cliche.

Carrie tells him what’s up: she suspects him of being a double-agent (single-terrorist?).

Whoa. This is suddenly a great scene.

This man prints best-sellers and is the editor-in-chief of a heavily trafficked website about sports, pop culture, ideas, and whatever Gladwell is interested in this quarter. But yes, glad you’ve clarified I was witnessing a great scene. Would not have known otherwise.

[transcript of the interrogation that ends with a joke-question about a video of Damian Lewis (Brody) singing a silly song at the wrap party, and clarification that that last question was a joke]

I think Brody just stole Mandy Patinkin’s Emmy.

HA! Suck it, Mandy! That’s a woman’s name anyway.

[emotional stuff! then jokes about cell-phone service, twist is revealed, some more stuff, sentence explaining the twist that’s preceded with a “That’s right,” but then some skepticism that would give Peter King a run for his money]

And with that, we’re turning this Homeland recap franchise back to Andy Greenwald.

Phew, Andy’s job is safe. For now. One can only assume that the machinations of the Grantland masthead are much like the TV show Homeland.

I think we all learned a lesson here: TV recaps are a waste of everyone’s time.

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